A Light in the Dark

Have you ever been in a dark room or closet? Maybe you were playing Hide and Seek, hiding to pull a prank on someone, or just opened a door to a dark closet without a light. Whatever the reason, the dark can be a scary or unsettling place.

It’s not comfortable and it isn’t a place we tend to go willingly, at least for me it isn’t. Growing up, I wouldn’t go in our basement by myself until I was 10 or 11. It was unknown, which felt scary.

Over the last few weeks, God’s been teaching me how the dark is scary but it does not have to be if we shine a light on it. A flashlight in a dark closet can reveal treasures. A light into the dark places of our hearts can bring truth and healing. Light means being fully known.

In general others’ thoughts and emotions make sense to me, but I struggle with understanding my own thoughts and emotions. I like to box things up and stick them on the back shelf of the closet in my heart, thinking I will return to figure out the puzzle or deal with it when I have the time. Those boxes get dusty and cobwebby and that closet is dimly lit, making me not want to pull them out and work through them.

But over the past month, I’ve grown to understand that pulling out those emotions, thoughts, and feelings I’ve saved, shining a light on them and allowing them to be seen, is a good thing.

I’ve learned I don’t like to admit how I feel to myself, especially if it is uncomfortable or causes pain. I do everything I can to avoid those feelings, for myself and others. But I have also learned when I am honest with myself about them, they become something I’m able to work through them and let go. They are not scary anymore. They do not have to define me or make me a bad person. They are simply real and truth can begin to define them.

Now there are moments I find myself wanting to box those things back up. It can be tempting to take the easy way out and put it away again, and sometimes I do. In those moments I’m learning to give myself grace and compassion.

I’m learning to let the box sit out and open in the light for a time. I don’t have to touch it or dig any further, but in the light there is the ability for that emotion or thought to be fully known. I’m not pushing past my limit, but I’m allowing room for change and time to come back to it. It doesn’t have to happen in the immediate. And I’ve found that time to be a beautiful and healing thing.

It also doesn’t just stop with me. When I can be vulnerable and honest with myself first about those things, I’m able to be honest and vulnerable with God and others about them too. The light makes it less scary. The light makes me known.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. – John 1:1-5, NIV

Darkness cannot overcome light, though it will try it’s very best. Sooner or later, though, the light always wins. God always wins. Knowing all our sins, thoughts, failures, and emotions, He came down into this world so we may have the light of life!

So take your flashlight and let the Light in this day!

My Brain on Lyme…

Over the last month, I’ve delved back into Lyme…repercussions of the disease and researching what it all means. I’ve been searching for the “why” in what continues to plague by body.

3 years ago, my doctor and I decided I was finally in remission from Lyme disease and it’s friends. At that point, we knew my body still had healing to do, but we believed the infection was gone.

We still believe the infection is in remission, but my body hasn’t continued to heal as we had hoped. Nerve pain continues to be an everyday issue. About a month ago I hit a breaking point which caused us to start asking “why” again.

You see, during my fight the Lyme bugs crossed the blood/brain barrier, making their way into my brain and playing with my nervous system. Even once they were evicted, we had to understand the damage they left behind. I knew they’d screwed up how my body responds to pain and that needed to be re-learned. What I’m only now beginning to understand and believe is they completely rewired my brain’s fight or flight response to be on all the time…

It fits. In my heart and gut, it makes sense to me. I’ve been flying and fighting my way through the past 7 years, which has heightened not only how I respond when my body is sick, but it’s put my brain on overdrive in how my body responds to every day life.

What does that look like? Well, it helps explain why I pick up on changes in the atmosphere (think thunderstorms and temperature changes) before they happen and the deep nerve ache that comes with them. It is starting to help me understand why I am hypersensitive to noise, light, and my surroundings. It means that my body reacts in the extreme and my brain reads everything as pain and seeks to “protect” itself.

So how to do I combat it? How do we change my brain and rewire it to correctly understand the world around me in a “normal” way again?

I’ve been asking this question all week. Having a brain, which can function so well in some areas, yet be completely upside down and backwards in others, is hard, angering, and confusing in a whole new way.

I can’t control it by “just thinking differently.” The brain is complex and it’s deep in there that something has shifted. There’s not a simple fix.

Sometimes I like to imagine what it would look like if my body’s illness was a cartoon. I see bugs building forts, sneaking into the control room of my brain, and randomly pulling wires apart and matching them with other ones…it’s quite the picture! The bugs did some rewiring on the inside that I now have to learn to undo or do differently from the outside.

As I continue to seek answers, I am thankful for doctors, professionals, friends, and family who are on my team and most importantly are praying, listening, and walking with me.

Ultimately our healing comes from God. He’s brought me this far and hasn’t shown any signs of stopping now. So while I don’t have the answers today, I trust that one day this body will be restored.

I’m sure there will be more tears, anger, and pain in the journey ahead. But no matter the outcome, there is hope in Christ’s promises today that one day there will be no more tears or pain and it is in that I find joy and the strength to keep moving forward.

Ask the Questions…

Over the last few years, I have learned the power in asking questions.

About 7 years ago, fear had a powerful grip on me. It paralyzed me and I felt powerless, which allowed the stress to eat away at me and caused me to shut down.

It was about that same time God sent my question-asking friend into my life as I navigated through some tough storms. She challenged me to ask the questions inside me.

My brain is full of questions…why, how, when…some of which can be answered and some it is going to take time before that can happen. But none of them can be answered if I don’t ask them.

Fear had me stuck in the thought that if I asked the questions, I would be hurt worse. But the only way to know the truth was to actually ask the question, to be vulnerable with other people, and to seek the truth. Yes, there was risk that I might be hurt worse, but if I didn’t ask and that question continued to burn inside me, wouldn’t the fear hurt me just as much?

So I asked the questions and lately I’ve been reminded again of the power asking questions has to overcome fear and give peace.

The devil weaves his lies into the craziest and most unexpected places. He wants fear to eat us alive…fear of a hurtful answer, fear of the unknown, fear of not being in control, fear of whatever it may be. And he’s good and twisting the simple things to make us stress.

But God is bigger and reminds us not to be afraid and to ask questions.

1 Thessalonians 5:21-22 says…“but test them all; hold on to what is good, reject every kind of evil.”

Asking questions is a good thing. It reveals the truth and what is good, helping to root out evil, lies, and fears.

I’m thankful for simple reminders to ask the questions on my heart, laying the fear aside. What questions do you need to ask today?

“You’re too much and not enough…”

“You’re too much and not enough…”

This is the lie the devil likes to use most often in my life.

He’ll say…
“Bethany, you can’t share that with your friend. It’s too much for them and they’ll be overwhelmed by your thoughts and emotions and you will walk away hurt from their reaction. They won’t get it.”

It’s a lie, plain and simple.

What do you do with this kind of lie? You speak truth into it.

Lie: “You’re too much for other people.”
Truth: “You are not too much for God. Nothing can separate you from His love. And you are loved by others, they will not intentionally hurt you just for sharing a thought.”
Words of Truth: “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:37-39, NRSV)

Lie: “You are not enough to deserve time from others to listen to what you have to share.”
Truth: “You are worth more than enough. God will always listen. Friends and family want to hear what you have to share, just as you want to hear from them.”
Words of Truth: “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 4:15-16, NIV)

The truth is, the devil is going to spin lies, but we have a God who is bigger and has already won! And because of that, we can claim Christ’s victory and speak truth, knowing we are always enough for God!

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.” – 1 Peter 5:7-11, NIV

Sometimes Funks Happen…

Have you ever experienced a “funk” when you just feel off? You’re not sick or even in an unhealthy place, just off.

It’s like there’s something brewing just below the surface and you need it come to light but it hasn’t made its way there yet.

I don’t understand them but surely know when I’m in the midst of one, like today. My mind is trying hard to pull all the pieces of something together, they just haven’t settled yet.

The last week has been a roller coaster…or maybe a marathon…of questions, emotions, thoughts, and uncertainty while still also trying to remain present in what is happening and needs to be accomplished today. And I am tired of the work it is taking to try to make sense of it all.

My brain does not know what to process next or what hasn’t been processed yet, while my emotions are trying to decide what to feel.

Over the last 6 years, I have learned many different things in what it takes to live with an invisible chronic illness that is clothed in mystery. One of those things is that sometimes you just have to go through it. Meaning, sometimes you simply have to live this day or moment, knowing there are questions you cannot answer, plans you cannot set. It means knowing that failure is inevitable in this day, because you are not in control.

And at the same time, you simply push through and accomplish whatever task is set before you. You take one more step forward. It may not be the step you wanted to take or planned to take, but it is the step you are taking in this moment and that’s where your focus needs to be.

The questions may still be unanswered and your plans derailed. Heck, there may be even more questions because of this day!

But you do this day. You live this day. And you keep moving forward.

And even more, you don’t go it alone, because God goes with us.

“I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:9b-10, NIV

What Does Strength Look Like…

I have been pondering what strength looks like. It has many different faces. Strength goes deep, beyond traditional muscle building and toning to building the muscle of the heart.

Strength looks like…

…a sleep-deprived new mother who wakes up in the middle of the night to feed her hungry baby.

…the courage it takes to say, “I am not okay. I need help.”

… sitting on heaven’s porch while a loved one waits to go home.

…a conversation with a doctor, trying to solve a medical mystery for the ump-teenth time.

…finishing a final paper before graduating.

…struggling through a yarn basket of thoughts and emotions.

…fighting through a night of pain and getting up the next morning.

…taking the next step.

…striving toward a literal mountain, while climbing a figurative mountain each day.

…crying the tears out when you are overwhelmed.

…letting others in to share the burden.

…being vulnerable one more time when you want to shut down.

…choosing bravery and courage in the face of fear.

…facing the storm instead of running away.

…surrendering the fears and choosing trust.

…claiming Christ’s victory as the devil whispers lies in your ear.

…trusting God at the moment you’re weakest, because He tells us that in those moments we will be made strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-11)

What does strength look like in your life?

Owning my story…

This past week I was asked to share my “story” with my small group bible study. The purpose of each person sharing is to simply get to know one another better.

I sat down to write out what I wanted to share and started it multiple times, but would end up stuck about halfway through. It felt awkward.

However, as I worked on it I realized one important thing, I have a story to share – one that God has walked with me through in some incredible and humbling ways. Somehow, despite the awkwardness I got words down on the page.

It wasn’t until after bible study that I realized I was struggling with sharing because it meant being vulnerable.

Recently, I have been listening to Brené Brown’s “The Power of Vulnerability” in which she talks about shame and vulnerability, as well as our story, sharing how shame has to do with our self(-talk). I have always struggled with the fear of never being enough and my self-talk reflects that. I can encourage and lift up others to high heavens, but I struggle to do the same with myself. I am good at shame.

In listening to Brené talk about how shame affects us, she connects it to how we view our worthiness. If we own our story, it shows we see ourselves as worthy. If we don’t own our story, then we are searching for worthiness and shame has a foothold…or something along those lines…

6 years ago one of the biggest questions I wrestled with was “God, why do you love me?” I didn’t see myself worthy of the gift He gave, the love and grace He pours daily into my life. Instead, my self-talk was that I wasn’t enough for Him.

Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

It’s not about what I do, but what He did out of love for me. My worthiness is found in Christ, my story is found in Christ. He has given me a story to share and a song to sing. And that is something I never have to be ashamed of, because God is good and loves me with an unconditional love none can match. And because of that, I want to share this story He has written in my life. That means living vulnerably. So here we go…

Joy in a Broken World…

When you woke up this morning and opened your social media accounts, turned on the raido, or watched the news, did you come across a post or picture that stirred depression, anger, fear, uncertainty, sadness, shame, or guilt? My news-feed and radio have also been full of people who are angry or are trying to understand what is happening the world. And it breaks my heart.

We live in a broken world and, we too, are broken people. Sin eats away at us each day and the devil is doing everything possible to make life hard. He wants to steal our joy. The individual brokenness of our lives looks different…maybe you’re struggling in a class to pull a passing grade, maybe your family is going through a tough time at home, a loved one is sick or has died, issues with a friend, job worries, college choices, divorce, health challenges, etc…the list goes on and on, but we’ve all experienced the brokenness of this world in one way or another.

In James 1:2-4 we are told, “My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.”

We live in a broken world and there will be trials, Jesus told us so. We are a broken people, BUT God has given us hope to stand up in the midst of the chaos and He overwhelms us with joy, because we are not alone. A lot of the time you just have to look for it.

5 years ago I was diagnosed with late stage neurological Lyme disease and it changed my life. It’s a disease much of the medical community doesn’t recognize and the doctors that did, didn’t have much information or many answers. I was physically broken, but God was ever-present in the midst of my brokenness. There was hope and there was joy.

Joy isn’t just a feeling, but an attitude of the heart. It is a choice we make, especially in the face of fear. And let me tell you, when doctors started talking IV medications, surgery, needles, and hyperbaric oxygen therapy, I was scared.

Just because I knew Jesus and His love didn’t mean I was magically healed or provided with the answers I needed right away. It was a two and a half year battle of constant doctor appointments, handfuls of pills, setbacks, frustration, many tears, and finally baby steps in the right direction. In the midst of all of this, I found myself praying and pleading through the psalms with God.

One of those psalms was Psalm 51 which says, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and sustain in me a willing spirit.”

I was in a lonely place that the people around me couldn’t fully understand, but God could. I wanted that joy that could only come from Him and to be sustained by it, because my body was failing and life was going in a very different direction than I had pictured.

God answered those prayers. Even on the worst days, there was always something to find joy in…a text from a friend, a song, sunshine outside, my siblings doing something ridiculous (like shoveling snow in swimming trunks), holding a newborn baby, or playing with the neighbor’s dog…big or tiny, there was joy in each day from God.

And when my illness went into remission, I praised God with joy. About 6 months after I was diagnosed, I decided to climb a 14,000 foot mountain and sing Psalm 30 from the top. It says…

“You have turned my mourning into dancing; you have taken off my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, so that my soul may praise you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.” (vs. 11-12)

Now, I’m still waiting to climb that physical mountain, but God has clothed me with joy, so that I may praise him forever. In the midst of a very uncertain season in my life and today, both have been clothed with joy.

And it’s still a choice to choose joy and seek it each day. Remember, we are still a broken people and we live in a broken world. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, the news…it’s all still filled with fear, anger, hurt, pain, and uncertainty. There’s no magic finger snap that will change that, there just isn’t. The pain is still going to be part of our lives every day. Sin is real.

Joy doesn’t take that away, but it can change how we approach the pain and brokenness we experience. It is an attitude of the heart and just as I am clothed in joy, you are also clothed with that same joy, because we do not find our hope in this world but in Christ.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. For the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:1-2)

Jesus also lived in this broken world and died with that brokenness on His shoulders, but he went to the cross in joy, knowing that through his death we, you and I, would have eternal life and that the brokenness would one day be no more. And you know what, joy is contagious! When we live in the joy of the Lord, others see it and begin to live that way too.

On the days when life is hard and it hurts, I challenge you to choose joy. Some days it’s easy and other days it is much harder. It doesn’t mean we are instantly happy, but it does mean our attitude has shifting and our eyes are on something higher.

Take JOY in the cross and the empty tomb, for that promise of eternal life is something no one can take away from you! The price has been paid, the battle won, and we can live in joy until He comes again.

Stuffy Noses, Crazy Nerves, & Present Peace…

This past week I was sick, like probably about 50% of the people out there this time of year. My nose was stuffy, draining sinuses, annoying cough, a fever, and just plain didn’t feel good. Normal winter cold, right?!

Right before the cold set in, my nerves were triggered and went haywire for a few days, shaking hard and running with waves fire.

The combination of my nerves loosing it and being sick really threw me for a loop. (I’m still getting used to “normal” illnesses.)

When you have had or are dealing with a chronic illness, senses are heightened and you become aware in ways you never thought possible…at least I do. It means I become hyper-aware of my body and hypersensitive to taking care of myself. My mind also becomes hyperactive, especially in my self talk and emotions.

Fear has been a forefront emotion…

What if Lyme comes back?
What if this has triggered another reaction?
When if something happens and I can’t advocate for myself and no one else knows how?

What if, what if, what if?

The answer…my God will take care of me.

Simple.

Yet, easier said than done. Trust is hard, but living in fear is harder. (And it makes my nerves worse.)

Wednesday night God landed me in Psalms 120-131, but Psalm 122:8-9 stood out…

“For the sake of my relatives and friends I will say, “Peace be within you.” For the sake of the house of the Lord our God, I will seek your good.”

I find reading and rereading scripture out loud, especially in these moments of fear and uncertainty, calms the storm within me. It may not change my nerves or my sinuses, but it shifts the focus of my heart and mind. God is bigger and with me.

It is in Him and His Word alone, I find peace. In His midst I am still. And in Him I am free.

Yoga: Awkward Breathing and Discombobulation…

A week ago I decided to commit to a month of yoga, 30 Days of Yoga with Adriene to be exact. I haven’t been running like I was last year and my body has been itching to move and be physically active. I asked my sister to join me, help keep each other accountable, and off we went!

I finished Day 7 last night and I’m learning a lot. I’ve never really done yoga before, other than occasionally with friends, so this is a whole new realm of positions, terminology, and stretches for me. I enjoy learning, so why not!

The past week has taught me a few things beyond new forms to make with my body. So far, I’ve learned or realized…

I don’t know how to breathe. (Okay, so this isn’t a new realization, but it has been reaffirmed…again.) I’ve had music teachers, exercise buddies, and dance teachers yelling at me for years, reminding me to breathe. When I’m focused I forget and hold my breath, but with yoga, every movement happens around the breath. So, as I journey forward, I may learn how to breathe yet!

I am discombobulated. When moving from one yoga pose to the next, it is supposed to be seamless and fluid…for me, it hasn’t been. Instead, it’s all new and awkward, much like my life. Since moving, everything has been new. I’ve been at my new job for almost 4 months and things has started to slowly fall into place, but it’s still awkward.

I am discontent. This practice has reemphasized that being still is hard and not producing something is even harder. As I stumbled through trying to figure out when to inhale and exhale and move, it has reflected my discontent heart. We live in a culture where if we aren’t producing, then we are told we are failing which gives way to a discontent heart. My heart isn’t content, so over these next 23 days, every time I move and something is disjointed, it will serve as a reminder for me to breathe deeply and pray, resting in God’s embrace.

I have choice. With yoga, I am in control of what I do, when I do it, and how much I challenge myself. The same is true in my life. At work, I choose how I tackle a given task, if I don’t enjoy something I can find new ways to approach it in a way I will enjoy. For my camp friends, I am living “challenge by choice,” choosing whether or not to accept the challenge each day and to what degree.

Even only 7 days in, I’m noticing a difference. Downward Facing Dog has gotten easier, although it’s still not my favorite. It’s slowly becoming a practice I look forward to before bed each night and it’s building strength, slowly but surely.

Things have come to mind as I meditate on what God has set before me each day. Last night as I was trying to figure out how to breathe the song, “Your Grace Finds Me” by Matt Redman popped into my head (and it actually helped with the breathing), specifically the lyrics, “I’m breathing out your praise. I’m breathing in your grace.” Check it out. It blessed me. May you find joy in the journey and grace in each breath.